The great secret that all old people share is that you really haven’t changed in seventy or eighty years.  Your body changes, but you don’t change at all.  And that, of course, causes great confusion — Doris Lessing, British novelist, poet and playwrite.

“Mrs. Byrd,” the gentleman said as I was walking down the hallway at the Bowie Senior center.  “I need to ask you a question. Do you have a minute?”

Of course, I said I did.  “I was wondering if you could give me a couple of hints or a start in the right direction.  I’m afraid my wife will be needing nursing home care soon, and I want to start spending down our assets, so that we can receive help. Where should I start?  Should I just wipe them all out – give them all away?”

I was on my way to a meeting and that question, which I’ve been asked many times, requires way more time than we had that moment in order to come up with a satisfactory answer.  I told him that current laws allow him to keep funds intended for his support for the rest of his life, and suggested he come by the office for a clarity and confidence consultation so he could actually take the most constructive planning actions.  Oh, and that before that consultation, he definitely should NOT be giving anything of his or his wife’s away.

It’s fascinating.  If you are married, the law allows you to convert a little more than $100,000 from a “countable” asset to an “uncountable” asset for the community spouse (the spouse not in the nursing home.)  You can do this just by saying you want to.  Here’s the complication:  You have to say you want to at exactly the right time.  If you say so one day too soon or one day too late, you lose, and you cannot legally shelter the money for the community spouse.

Many people make the mistake of acting on bad advice from well-meaning family members or friends and neighbors, who almost never have the exact same circumstances as my gentleman friend might.  Sometimes, their aunt, mother, or whomever they use for an example, even lives in a different state.

Remember, although Medicaid is a federal program, many of the rules and regulations are enacted and enforced by the state you live in, and the states differ with regard to their requirements.  Sometimes even counties in the state differ with regard to Medicaid requirements.

Even if the Affordable Care Bill, often called “Obama Care” does not stand up in court, I am sure that at least one emphasis will remain:  That is the intent to use state and federal funds to assist folks so they can stay in their homes whenever they might need long term care. Marylandis working on several programs to further this ambition, and each one is exciting and filled with promise.

On the other hand, most likely nursing homes do not need to be quaking in their boots regarding their demise.  There will always be folks who cannot be cared for at home under any circumstances, and who need the type of custodial care offered by these facilities.  That brings us back to Medicaid.

Medicaid began as a poverty program, and over the years has morphed into a middle-class assistance program as well.  The cost of long term care has gotten so high that virtually only the very wealthy can “self-insure” for it.  Long-term care insurance is a wonderful solution, especially since they’ve developed hybrid programs that turn into life insurance or annuities if you never use them for long term care.  Also, the state partnership program that allows people to shelter as many funds as their long term care insurance provides, is a marvelous step in the right direction.

Never the less, there remain many people who cannot afford long term care insurance, or who cannot pass the stiff medical underwriting required.

So, back at square one, we’re looking again at Medicaid qualification and possible legal asset protection.  At a minimum, if you sit down with an attorney or a financial planner for estate planning advice, be certain that you ask them to point out what in their suggested plan will allow you help in paying for long term care.  If they have nothing to offer, it is my suggestion that you run – fast.  In today’s world, a complete plan must include the answer to the question “Should I need it, how am I going to pay for long term care?”

A common error is the idea that health insurance, Medicare or Tricare for life will pay for long term care.  Not true.

The truth is, for my friend at the senior center and all who wonder, it is possible to get benefits without spending down.  It is also sometimes possible to get benefits when you do spend down.  But, it’s for sure you can get neither if you don’t know the correct rules. You can take advantage of the shelters allowed by law, but you must do it in the right time and in the right way.  Be sure to look for the right advisors.

Thank you for reading.  Stay well.  See you next week.

It’s your unlimited power to care and to love that can make the biggest difference in the quality of your life. – Anthony Robbins, American self-help author and motivational speaker

Even the most devoted mother sometimes wishes the baby would sleep just one more hour. Even the fanatic dog lover, who leaves the dog his entire estate, sometimes wishes a walk wasn’t necessary on a rainy night. And how about a care giver? Yes, a care giver. The tiredness goes all the way to the bone. Family caregivers are often under-appreciated, easy marks for physical and emotional problems, and they frequently pass away before the person for whom they are providing the care passes.  But, day after day, they do it. And they keep on and on and on.

Former first lady Roslyn Carter famously said, “There are only four kinds of people in the world: those who have been caregivers, those who are currently caregivers, those who will be caregivers, and those who will need caregivers.”

An interesting article on the Benjamin Rose Web site (www.benrose.org) suggests a fifth kind of person for Mrs. Carter’s list: Those who are caregivers but don’t realize they are. “This is because they don’t see what they are doing—helping mom balance the checkbook, phoning dad every morning to make sure he takes his cholesterol-lowering, diabetes and arthritis medications, running errands for a disabled neighbor—as care giving. They see it as an extension of their role as spouse or daughter or friend,” writes Sylvia Pla-Raith, director of In-Home Services at Benjamin Rose.

By the time many of them realize they are caregivers, the article continues, they are suffering from symptoms of caregiver fatigue or, worse, caregiver burnout. Symptoms of both conditions are listed in the article: feelings of guilt and inadequacy because they can’t do enough for the person needing care; resentment, anger, impatience and/or irritability at family members and/or the care recipient; social isolation due to caregiving responsibilities that take both time and money, and physical and mental exhaustion.

Mrs. Pla-Raith says that you can expect to take on the role of caregiver when elderly loved ones enter their late seventies and eighties, and perhaps earlier if they have chronic health conditions. The article—titled “When You Look in the Mirror, Do You See a Caregiver?”—suggests some proactive steps that you can take now to make the transition to caregiver easier for you and the person you will be caring for.

First of all, talk to your aging loved ones about their finances, long-term care insurance, where important documents are stored, and their need for a durable power of attorney for health care and for finances, and a living will. If they won’t talk about these things, see previous Senior Moments columns for suggestions regarding starting the dialogue.

Then talk to them and their health care provider, about their health status, both present and future. If they have a medical condition, such as osteoarthritis or Alzheimer’s disease, that will worsen over time, now is the time to learn as much as possible about it and find out about support groups near you.

Talk to your loved ones about the kind of housing they want as they become less able to care for themselves. If they decide they want to remain in their home as they age, investigate equipment, devices and home modifications that might enable them to do so.

Talk to your loved ones about the things that frighten them so that, when planning their care and your help to them, you can help to lessen the chances of the disabling anxiety that emotionally cripples so many of the elderly.

Talk with family members, the elderly person’s physician, friends and representatives from local community service agencies about the activities, organizations and services available in your community. A good place to start is your county’s Department of Aging.

A wonderful care giver support group meets monthly at the Bowie Senior Center.  You can choose the evening or daytime group.  I have heard nothing but wonderful things about this experience.  Call the Bowie Senior Center for more information, dates and times.

And, finally, make plans to take care of your own physical and emotional needs by lining up substitute caregivers, adult day centers and respite care facilities, before you need them.

Helpful care giving information is available from the American Association of Homes and Services for the Aging (www.aahsa.org), Benjamin Rose (www.benrose.org), Children of Aging Parents (www.CAPS4caregivers.org), National Alliance for Caregiving (www.caregiving.org) and National Family Caregivers Association (www.nfcacares.org). And you’ll find a wealth of useful information at www.thoushalthonor.org. Wonderful books available at any bookstore include Elder Care: A Six-Step Guide to Balancing Work and Family by John P. Marosy and Taking Care of Aging Family Members by Wendy Lustbader and Nancy Hooyman.

Thank you for reading. Stay well. See you next week.

And I thought about how many people have loved those songs. And how many people got through a lot of bad times because of those songs. And how many people enjoyed good times with those songs. And how much those songs really mean. I think it would be great to have written one of those songs. I bet if I wrote one of them, I would be very proud. I hope the people who wrote those songs are happy. I hope they feel it’s enough. I really do because they’ve made me happy. And I’m only one person. — Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being A Wallflower

My face hurts.  I have been smiling non-stop for two hours.  In addition to smiling, I’ve been laughing, applauding, singing and admiring the joie de vivre exhibited by Maryland’s retirement community of energetic seniors.

Before I tell you where I was, you should know that an awesome highlight of the event was the vocal solo “Summertime” by Sylma Gottlieb, age 89.  Sylma is the grand dame of the music of Bowie, having taught voice to Bowie students for years, and having served on the BRAVA Board from its inception.  She was accompanied on the harp by Mary Fitzgerald, a former White House harpist.  Believe me, it was thrilling.

Okay, okay.  I was at the Bowie Center for the Performing Arts for the Maryland Senior Idol Vocal Competition, an annual event modeled loosely after the “American Idol” TV show.  This was the 6^th year for the competition and eight counties participated.  Each county is invited to conduct their own competition, and is allowed to send two winners to the state competition.

Prince George’s County – and Bowie – won the right to host the state competition for the first time largely through the efforts of Darilyn Marinelli, Bowie resident and senior services coordinator for the Maryland-National Capital Park and Planning Commission, and those who worked with her on this project, whose names I do not know.  Others responded to the opportunity, and climbed on the band wagon with a lot of support, including the Prince George’s County Senior Providers Network.

Gloria G. Lawlah, energetic and vibrant Secretary of the Maryland Department of Aging, addressed the standing-room only crowd, along with 4^th District  County Council Member Ingrid M. Turner, and Elizabeth M. Hewlett, Chairman of the Prince George’s County Planning Board.  They stirred up the crowd, already anxious for the show to begin.

Ms. Marinelli introduced the Mistress of Ceremonies, Christel Stevens, and she in turn introduced the day’s first performer, Mr. Chuck Fisher of Baltimore County who sang the Conway Twitty hit, “Its Only Make Believe.”   Right away you could anticipate that the song selections would be perfect for the crowd, mostly seniors with many arriving on buses from area facilities.   Mr. Fisher’s performance was extraordinary and at its finish, we learned that the judge’s comments would be positive; no Simon Cowell among them.  The three judges were themselves a group of musical history buffs with their own musical resumes, and notable for their own talent.  They were unfailingly comedic, keeping the audience highly entertained.

Mary Ann Evangelista of Howard County bested fourteen contestants to win the event with her beautiful rendition of “You Raise Me Up.”  That song was just stunning, and delivered with attractive elegance.  The judges referred to Ms. Evangelista’s “full, round tones” and the clarity and beauty of her voice.  Barbara Washington, of Prince George’s County, won second place with her feisty and dazzling delivery of the Etta James hit, “Tell Mama.”

Jack Koch, from Washington County, sang and danced the Sinatra Hit “Fly Me to the Moon.”  He brought the house down with his Chairman of the Board moves, a little scat here and there, and his Sinatra timing.

Sterling Dorn, a Prince George’s County resident and the 2011 Maryland state Senior Idol Winner sang, “I know the Lord will Make a Way” while the votes were being counted.  Dorn, obviously a favorite with the crowd, was a masterful performer, and said he has truly enjoyed his winner’s year, which included singing for various events across the state.

After the winners were announced, the crowd stood and sang “God Bless America” along with all the contestants on stage.  The contestants went to the lobby and graciously visited with event attendees.

I brought my own senior, my 80-year old uncle who has spent a lifetime in the entertainment business in New York City.  He said the show was “first class.” He commented that he admired the professional way in which the production was handled and how it ran so smoothly without a single moment being lost.  He was also extremely complimentary of our beautiful Center for the Performing Arts.  I took a minute to explain all the blood, sweat, tears and years that it took to push the facility to completion, another example of how splendid it is to live in Bowie with its activist citizenry!

Three cheers for Bowie, Prince George’s County Department of Aging, the State of Maryland, Park and Planning, other supporters and all the wonderful performers.   Everyone should pat themselves on the back.  Make yourself a note to go next year.

Thanks for reading.  Stay well.  See you next week.

We are frequently surprised by how much trouble people cause for their families and heirs by not taking simple steps to properly plan for their estates. One thread that often recurs involves a fear (or perhaps disapproval) of lawyers, leading to failure to get good legal advice about planning, or about the execution of documents. This week we read about a different reaction, but with the same result.

Florian T. Latek didn’t trust notaries.

Mr. Latek owned a small family farm in Indiana, but he lived (and owned real property) in Illinois. In 2009, with the help of a non-lawyer friend, he wrote a letter to the lawyer for a local charity he favored. The letter began “This is my will” and it proceeded to direct distribution of his entire estate to that charity and other recipients. Then he prepared four identical copies of the document, and signed each one.

Apparently Mr. Latek realized he should have the documents notarized, but he wrote that he did not trust notaries; instead, he included his Army serial number with the note that he hoped it would “be good for any legal matters.” Then he had some — but not all — of the copies witnessed by friends, and he secreted one copy (one that had no witnesses’ signatures) behind (not in) a small safe at the Indiana farm. Less than two months later, Mr. Latek died.

Probate proceedings were begun first in Illinois. The Illinois courts initially determined that Mr. Latek had no will; later, when the friend who had helped prepare the document got in touch with the charity named in the letters, the unwitnessed version was found at the farmhouse. When the charity’s lawyer attempted to introduce that will in the Illinois courts, it was initially rejected because it did not meet the Illinois requirements for a will to be valid. Later a copy with witnesses’ signatures was located, but the lawyer could not produce the witnesses to testify about the signing of the letter in the time given by the Illinois court to prove the validity of the will. The result: the Illinois property would pass according to the law of intestate succession, to Mr. Latek’s cousins (he had no children).

Meanwhile, the charity’s lawyer filed one of the letters with the Indiana courts for admission as Mr. Latek’s last will. If admitted, it would control the distribution of the family farm. The personal representative appointed in Illinois objected, arguing that Illinois had already decided that the will was invalid and the Indiana courts were bound by that finding.

The Indiana probate judge disagreed. The will was admitted to probate in Indiana, and the lawyer for the charity was appointed to administer Mr. Latek’s Indiana estate.

The personal representative appointed in Illinois appealed in Indiana. He argued that the U.S. Constitution requires each state to give “full faith and credit” to the rulings of sister states; once the Illinois courts had rejected Mr. Latek’s letter as a will, according to this argument, the Indiana courts were required to adopt the same ruling. The Indiana Court of Appeals, however, disagreed with that argument, and upheld the Indiana probate court’s admission of Mr. Latek’s letter as his last will. Matter of Latek, January 4, 2012.

What does Mr. Latek’s estate tell the rest of us? A number of things jump out:

• It just makes sense to get help with setting up one’s estate plan. Assuming that it will all work out, that one’s Army serial number ought to prove one’s wishes, or that notaries and attorneys are unreliable are not good ideas when dealing with the legal effect of documents.  Would the lawyer have charged him? Of course. But his wishes might have actually been carried out.
• Mr. Latek looks like a classic example of the kind of person who ought to be considering a living trust. Rather than relying on two different probate courts to come to the same conclusion, he could have transferred both his Illinois real estate and his Indiana real estate — along with all his personal property — to a trust that would have been governed by the law of one state or the other. Would that have cost him something to set up? Yes. It would also have permitted his estate to be managed and distributed in a coherent and effective way, at (ultimately) lower cost than two separate probate proceedings in Illinois and Indiana. That would especially have proven to be true when the cost of one appellate case is factored in. If you own real property in two different states, you should particularly pay attention to the outcome for Mr. Latek’s estate.
• State laws vary with regard to the formalities of wills. Some states require notarization OR two witnesses. Some states permit unwitnessed wills to be effective, provided that they are signed and in the signer’s handwriting. But here’s a piece of news for do-it-yourself fans: ALL U.S. states would treat a will as effective if it has both two witnesses and a notary. Yes, some states require the signer, the witnesses and the notary to all have been together at the signing — so it just makes sense to do it that way at a minimum.

Senior Moments is grateful to Fleming and Curti, Phoenix, Arizona,for today’s guest column